Trog and Joan share a Pepsi, originally uploaded by Joan Jr..

It’s taking me longer to get ready. In the morning, before dinner, before bedtime. I’m finally getting to the point in my life where I’m starting to notice the effects of aging on my skin. Sagging. The worst area is the neck. Although it’s not yet visible I can feel the weight just hanging off my neck and I’m expecting it to burst one day like that dam in Earthquake. One day I’ll wake up and I’ll have this horrible Ronald Reagan turkey neck. So of course I tug at it every minute to feel if it’s looser then the last time I checked. I found this neck cream. Yes, it’s designed specifically for the neck. My idea was to just wear a long wig and clamp the back of my neck with one of those office clip binders at work, but for now I’m going the neck cream solution. I worry about this.

I also worry about the hairs. They’re popping up everywhere, and do mean everywhere. I have to check my damn earlobes before I leave the house. They’s slowly working there way up to the rim of my nose, and they’re too small to use the nose trimmers. I don’t want to have to wax the rim of my nose but I will. They do that, you know. I’m getting Andy Rooney eyebrows, my shoulders are a forest and and I won’t even tell you about my butt. Oops, I just did, although it’s not as bad as the you might think. Stop thinking about it.

Okay, here’s my fear. Well, one of my many fears. What am I going to do when I’m too old to do it myself. Is the staff at the nursing me going to let me turn into Cousin It? Will Chris be too concerned about his own hair issues to bother with me? Will my nieces and nephews be too creeped out to visit their Uncle David with the hairy nose? AM I GOING TO DIE ALL ALONE COVERED IN HAIR?